There is a rising taking place. A great rising. Today the day of the largest supermoon in many years I am faced with this question of illumination. Are we ready to face this great light - this light that does not care what it shines upon or who it illuminates - it just shines. It doesn’t allow you to hide. It is clearly there saying “See me - feel my light, my strength.” Don’t get me wrong we can hide from the great moon mother. We can go into our shadow instead of embracing it. We can slink back in to the dark recesses of our safety but she will continue to shine. She is calling us forth. Calling us forth to a new destiny, a greater way of being. She wants you to shine with her - to carry her light forward, to be one with your destiny and the great reason you chose to come in to your own illumination. It will be 17 years until this great mother returns and how do you choose to face her? Will you explain to her that her light was too grand, that you were forced to shrink back into your shadow of fear and inadequacy? Or are you going to tell her that you turned your face to her great light and you let it penetrate your very soul. That you allowed it to alight the remembering. The remembering of who you really are and what you came here to be. That you walked side by side with your shadow but it was always a step behind you because you are now master of your own light. Will you tell her you stepped out in to those places your soul called you to - that you let her light shine through every pore of you so that it lit your way and illuminated others? So that you could walk in those very things you’ve been too timid to embrace.

This great mother illuminates a path for you - she calls you in to being through the nights and the days. She asks you to shed your dark masks and to raise you face to the light and be SHE. For you my dear one are the light you have just forgotten!!!

 Light illuminate my soul.
 Light shine from without and within
 Great amazing beautiful mother moon,
 Thank you for reminding us For reminding us that no matter the circumstance
 We have the choice to radiate our light
 At times it may be clouded
 Or not be as evident
 But if we embrace the great remembering
 If we allow the light to meld with every molecule of our essence
 It will be impossible to extinguish 
And as we remember we will not be able to turn in
We will only be able to shine 
And in the shining illuminate the world!!!

More honesty!!!

Ok sometimes it just sucks being a woman. Period.

Extreme Honesty!!

Woo - ok instead of starting a new blog I thought I'd add an extreme honesty piece to this one. Let's get real and vulnerable!

Miss Jean Louis - A Little Bio Info (aka Miss Jean's Socks)

We all love her. We all hate her.  How can someone so amazingly cool and awesome be so elusive? What do we know about this master of evasiveness? How has she managed to infuse all our minds with the iimagination of what she'll do next and who she really is?  What kind of super amazing skills and magical mastery can someone hold to be able to take the world of the web by storm and infiltrate the entire nation of Gishwhers with questions of awe and complete baffledness?

Miss Jean Louis - you are our hero, not only because you babysit Misha , which we hear is a mind boggling, otherworldly feat in itself, but because you exude mysteriousness.
But what we find most amazing about Miss Jean Louis - her socks.  Have you ever met anyone who inspires you quite so much to step out of societal boundaries and just go insane.

(my mind is hurting from the possible sock dance that may be going on under those slacks!!)

 Because yes dear readers, it is true, Miss Jean Louis under those sexy pants of awesomeness, wears one sock at her ankle and one pulled up her calf.  I'll just let you sit with that for awhile.  I know, right, WHAT!!!  I can hear you all gasp with shock and amazement.  Who would be so bold to do such a thing? When you look at her poised, sitting elegantly watching over Misha you could never know the pure rebellious action going on right under her pant legs.  How does she do it you ask?  We can't even begin to put words in her mouth as this blogger has never been blessed with the rare opportunity of meeting this magician.  But anyone that daring instantly goes on my bucket list of MUST MEETs!! Because I bet the socks don't even match, heck they're probably not even made of the same fabric!!! Can you even fathom the awesome, revolutionary Socker this woman (if she even is a woman, we are starting to think maybe superhero from another planet!!!) really is.

Miss Jean Louis. wherever, and whoever you are I hold you in awesomeness. The plethora of fantastic words to describe your mysterious magnificence is too long to list. SOCK ON!!

Life Shifts: Quantam Leaps or Rudder Adjustments?

 This                                              or                  This?

So one of my dearest friends in the world, Lil, and I have been discussing the title above.  Basically the gist of the conversation is there are different people in the world; different types of training; two schools of thought that talk about making big shifts in your life.  For some the belief is that you just need to make a few little adjustments and if you stay the course then amazing things will happen.  The analogy being if you have a huge ship and make a tiny rudder adjustment it will take you to a completely different place on the map.  And the other school of thought is that for some of us it takes a big huge leap - a quantum leap.  Kind of like that baby bird in the nest that feels safe but has to take the leap in order to fly.  Safety was nice - but flight - flight is even better.

Lil and I were asking this question.  What kind of people are we?  Or more importantly which parts of our lives need adjustments and which parts need leaps?  And even more importantly  - what would this look like?

So you are joining us in the middle of this on going discussion and I thought I would bring you in to it to either share your opinion or if nothing else to get you to start thinking about it.  What would your life look if you adjusted or jumped?

I'm guessing you need more clarification. What exactly are we adjusting or leaping in to? Why are we even having this conversation?  Haven't you felt it?  That stirring way down in your gut, at the back of your kidneys somewhere calling to you - saying is this it - no baby there has to be more.  You know that feeling when you eat a really tasty but really unhealthy meal and it feels good for a moment but not long term and your body starts screaming ...what the hell...is this it....you let our stupid brain pick the fast food and I really wanted a spinach salad and a smoothie - get with the program!!  Ok bad example but hopefully you get.  Your life isn't necessarily pissy, or maybe it is, but you want, nope you need some kind of shift - the restlessness is getting old.

What does this look like?  Well there's the question right?  I guess the answer to that - frustrating as it may be - is - what do you want it to look like?  And let me clarify right now - you don't have to shift or do anything and if you've only read this far because you are related to me and being nice - then stop - but if you feel the little tug right now then I think we are on the same page and you know what I'm talking about. Or at least you are intrigued enough to join the discussion.

So what does it look like for you? What do you want to change in your life?  What does the shift look like?

Is your rudder adjustment talking to the cashier and smiling?  Is it speaking up to your boss?  Is it telling your husband/wife you need to do some counselling?  Is it buying that pet you always wanted? Is it booking that trip you were too scared to go on?  Is it reading that book you thought was not allowed?  Is it taking a course you never thought about?  Is it writing the book you never thought you could - or at the very least making the effort to start? (this could be an adjustment and a leap!!)

And your quantum leap - and let's clarify here - I know I said some people are rudder adjusters and some need to be leapers - but I have a sneaky suspicion that if you want a big shift, once in awhile you are going to have to leap out of the nest! Yes you - your quantum leap - what does that look like?
Ok so I can't climb in your brain - so your leap has possibly never been spoken, you may have to look way down deep - yep keep going - there it is at the tip of your big toe.  Yes that one - no don't look the other way - grab a pen and at least write it down because your big toe has some big dreams baby!
Just some potential examples:
Sell the house and move to Tibet.
Move to Hollywood and learn how to direct movies.
Quit your job.
Leave your spouse.
Get a spouse.
Learn to fly - literally  - like in a plane.
Buy a piece of land and start a new community.
Talk to every single person you meet about your dreams and then act on them.
Buy that business.
Start that company.
Paint that picture and show everyone.
Become a chef.
Quit doing stay at home mom/dad things and get a career.
Quit your career and be a stay at home mom/dad.
Write the screenplay.
Swim naked in the lake.
And to some of you these will be simple and to some - what the heck - and to others hell no.

But what if ? You can do it - Lil and I are doing it - we are writing down our leaps and our rudder adjustments and then the key is to do it - do SOMETHING.  You are now in our tribe if you want to be - let's help each other.

So we need vulnerability to start - yes I said be vulnerable for- go read Brene Brown if you haven't and you'll know what I mean.  And absolutely one hundred percent I insist - I'm not kidding - google it write now and buy it either in hard copy or audio or download - don't borrow it - own it - Martha Beck's - Finding Your Way in a Wild New World .....do it now....I'll wait................................................................................................

Ok if you did it - good job - if not - you'll dream about it until you do.  And once you've read it let's have a discussion because so far only Lil and I have read it in my sphere of influence but I want you all to consciously join the Team too.  Enough said - I think you can realise  I like the book.

Anyways I digressed there - I'm trying to leap and adjust and its hard - when you have kids and family and responsibilities - it's damn hard.  So I'm writing my book - yep that's my vulnerability because if I tell you then I have to do it - Prologue and chapter 1 written.  I leaped in to school at 41 and I'm half way through. But now I want to leap in to running a retreat and then possibly into something even bigger that that - I'll keep you posted!

 I want to dance down the street always - I want to hug everyone I meet and say  - are you waking up - do you see it - do you see how amazing you are - how much more you have to give - how freakin awesome life is?  Not there yet - I think I'm still bound by my inhibitions - but one day if a crazy 40 something, chubby, cute (ooo I hated writing that) mama gives you a hug and shouts Wake up sweetie - you can shout back - Hi Toni!!!


SO are you willing to adjust and leap and at least talk about it - because holy moly baby its time to change the world!!!!

A Life Coach Dialogue: Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this la...

A Life Coach Dialogue:
Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this la...: Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this lack of community and I was challenged by a friend to verbalize what I meant by that.  B...

Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this lack of community and I was challenged by a friend to verbalize what I meant by that.  Because when she looks in at my life (she lives far away) she sees a woman who has a fantastic circle of friends, a mom next door who cares for her, great supportive kids, and most of her needs met - so what is it I still yearn for?  So I'm going to try and verbalize my yearning and if it doesn't make sense - well I'm sorry.  As I don't really have a following or do this for a living I'm not going to fix the grammar or hold back in this post  - I'm just going to write.  This is more of a live journal - and if you don't like or agree with it - feel free to ignore.

So....how could I feel lack, when really I'm living the dream life?  I may not have tons of money and there is a definite stress there but I have a great thing going.  I work the hours I want, I'm back in school learning things I love, my kids don't complain much, we don't get up early, my friends will be there whenever I need them and my mom is a constant source of support. So what's my problem?

Maybe I'm just lonely, or selfish or lazy.  Or all the above.  I just want the dream I guess.  I want to wake up in the morning and drink my coffee and walk across to my neighbour who is also my good friend and we will talk about things that matter - how we are feeling off that day or extra joyful or if we need any help.  I will participate in the life of another - we will share our hearts - we won't wait until we're empty.  I hate cooking but I love so many other things - so I will be in charge of a nature walk with the kids and collecting some herbs for the fall while I only have kitchen duty twice a month.  I will have an art room to visit or a place to write my book because someone understands I need to release what is within.  I will absolutely not be in charge of the money but I will contribute to it.  I will be honored for my ideas, I will honor others for those - because that is my skill I have great, fantastic ideas.  I will help the mom I see going downhill because I have been there, before it spirals out of control.  Abuse will be quickly dealt with, speaking your mind will be honored, philosiphizing and reading will be admired. Gifts, all of them will be honored, if you love canning, or numbers, or farming, or lawyering, or doctoring, or whatever, you will be honored and your skill will be welcome within the fold.  Yep it sounds like a commune - but I'm sick and tired of us all having to have the great american dream and even if we are on board with each other we still just eek out a life.

Yes I'm different.  I always have been.  I don't live a normal life.  I am unusual to most.  I refuse to give in to the monster hamster wheel we have created in this life - but oh hell sometimes it's hard.  I want to be happy with the 2.5 kids, the 2 cars, the cubicle, the RRSPs, the retirement plan and my golf swing. But sadly I'm not (and if you are than all the power to you !) I am mocked for speaking my heart - really did you know people don't like you to wear your heart on your sleeve, they really don't - they want you to not be exuberant about life - because it's not perfect - well shit it's never going to be perfect.  I want to twirl as I walk down the street, and tell you, you are lovely and smile at you and grab your hand to my heart and say 'I see you' - lets connect.

Will it take away the hurts and heartaches.  Nope.  Will we still question, yep.  Will we fight - most definitely.  But I want a community - a place I belong. AHHHHH - there it is - there it is - sorry it took me awhile but I got there - I have a longing for belonging!!!  My life may not look radical and mostly I'm quite quiet until you get to know me but my heart and spirit scream - LOVE, LIVE, SEE ME, SPEAK YOUR SOUL, SHOW ME YOUR MESS AND I'LL SHARE MINE - TAKE OFF THE MASKS!!

Did I clarify anything?  Probably not - and hell I've been raising kids on my own for 11 years now - maybe I just need to not be alone?  But it's more than that - if you have a life partner and you still understand this call - you'll know what I mean.  Of course I'd love romance back in my life - but this isn't what I'm talking about.  I want connection and honoring of who we are not who we think we need to become.

So what am I going to do about all this unrest - I don't really know - I read a lot - if I'm honest the escape is what keeps me sane and not crying many days - do I see a shift coming - oh I hope so - I sincerely hope so - but when you are trying to start out and your gift is in the envisioning not so much the practical, it is very very hard.....and so.....I dream, I dream.........

Half a step - is it enough?

If you've had any type of conversation with me lately you know I have this passionate call to community.  And if you didn't know this about me - well that's ok obviously we need just need a visit.  And potentially if you knew me 'before' the shift you are placing me in an old paradigm I no longer fit - and that's ok because we too probably need a visit.  And if this makes no sense at all and you think I've crossed to the 'dark side' - that too is ok and we don't have to visit :)

All that to say I'm having a slump day.  I had great plans for this week. A catch up week - you know the week you 'd get all your paper work done, be ahead of work not behind, clean the house, tidy the yard, paint the deck, school the children properly and lose the extra 50lbs all in 3 or 4 days!! LOL
I don't know if anyone does this like me but I seem to travel a wave of ups and downs.  Not like I used to but oh it's still there.

So this week it feel like I started with two steps forward and one giant step back - is half a step enough?

Where does my beginning comment of community fit in to this?  Well here it is my friend - we lack community in our life.  Don't get me wrong I'm not going to put flowers in my hair, take up community farming and join a commune - but I'm close (truth be told if it wasn't for my kids I just might!)  And I'm not talking about a club, or a church, etc. but real community.  Somewhere that a lost mom can go when she's having a really bad day and someone is there to hold her.  Somewhere a young man can go and say - hey I'm lost - help. Somewhere a grandmother can go and say - hey I still need to be useful - help.  I have talked to so many people about our lack of community.  Where someone couldn't hide years of abuse in the closet because her community would be too close and it would come to light.  Somewhere that my failings as a mother are embraced and we help better each others skills and  aide each others weaknesses.  You see somewhere is a mother who would gladly prepare a little extra dinner while I did craft time with her children for eg - each playing to each others strengths thanking the stars she doesn't have to deal with her weaknesses for a change.  Where the skills we have are put to use and we are not expected to know it all.

Somewhere where I can talk about this burning passion in my heart and that by Wednesday when I feel physically nauseous and just want to hide in a hole after having the best day of exuberance just a week ago, someone is there to hold me up and shake me a little and say you got this.

Somewhere I can question and say - did I mess up - did I make all the wrong decisions with my kids?  Will they be ok?  What can I do?  This is a lonely world if we let it be.  We all struggle and wear masks and break now and again.  But the damn expectations put on us by ourselves, our past, our families, our work, our organizations start to drown us all.  We appear to be doing fine but a little of us dies inside as we feel that broken child come back in and we go to counselling, we pray, we have a drum circle, we do some physical therapy or massage and then we eek out another week.  Somehow I don't think this is the way we are meant to live.  There is a strength in community - a bee against me is no match - a hive - oh ya I'm running away.  I want the strength of the hive, the power of many.

I'm not naive enough to think community doesn't come with limitations and difficulties but I think it would be worth the cost.  Is anyone else tired of going it alone?  Of holding themselves, no propping themselves up.  Of barely getting by.

Please don't get me wrong.  I have grand schemes and great dreams and wonderful visions.  I have a circle of friends and family that love me.  I live in a house and eat every day.  But there is a struggle. I know, I know - I have heard it all "That's life; Leave it to God; Find your higher self; See someone; You're just lonely - get a divorce and start dating; Life is struggle; The rewards on the other side; If you want it bad enough; No one ever accomplished anything without hard work and determination; It's not going to be handed to you on a silver platter...etc. etc. etc."  These are but a few.  But my friends I just want us to consider, just consider and let a little magical glimmer spark - what if 'they' are wrong?  What if it doesn't have to be so hard?  What if we did live in community and continually pulled each other out?  What if life didn't have to be lonely  or filled with struggle?  What if it was magic?

Yes I'm having a contemplative day - a day I feel like I'd rather hide my head in the sand, a day I feel like I have failed at it all - even though I've done enough to know I haven't.  Will I get up and shake this off and struggle forward  - hell ya - would I like it to be less of a struggle and more of a communal paradigm shift where we moved as a wave - you bet!!!
So is half a step enough - of course - but my very essence longs for more!!!

Can We Get Real - Just For a Moment? - Facing My Inner Demons

So last week I wrote all about magic and facing that and what I thought it could look like, or at least how I was ready to start the journey.  Well...let's just say I am having a hard time this week with the sparkle.  I'm not denying anything I've said I'm just about to get real with you about where I'm at.

You see I'm selfish.  Had a moment of ah ha today and wallowing in my selfishness I realized I don't really know how to get out.  Oh don't get me wrong - I've read all the books but interestingly enough I continue to self sabotage.  Which, dear reader, means I think more of myself than you or anyone in my life.  Yes that sounds interesting since if you look at my life it is pretty messy and icky and a far cry from a success but herein lies the selfishness.  Not for you, not for my children, not for my family, not for society have I been willing to fully get out of my mostly self imposed mess.

I believe I have been self sabotaging all week to the point of making myself sick.  I've been walking in a land of migraines and dizziness and fog and I'm pretty sure I know why - I don't really want to get better.  Ouch - oh that hurt.  You see there is a shitload of responsibility if you get better and you live your life to the fullest and if I'm being fully honest I think I'm scared out of my wits to get there.  So I sabotage.  What does that look like at this snapshot in time well lets just start making a list

1. I gained probably 20 lbs this winter - giving myself more armour - because I have always thought I was fat and ugly even when I was 13 and 105 lbs - now that I'm 42 and oh so much  heavier I am able to continue in that.  Plus you aren't seen, your invisible when you aren't outwardly pretty - shallow yes - but true.  There's a lot more going on here but I could write a whole other post on that (which I may someday).
2. I have homework I'm behind in - so I get a migraine, or I'm busy or I'm.... you know the drill - what if I'm successful at this stuff...then what...hmm
3. I put off my work assignments - being distracted by anything and everything and then I pull an all nighter and get cranky - hmmm - not sure of the entire story here - but hey if I'm not reliable - well even just for a little bit it proves my point of not being worthy....
4. I don't write - even though I know I should - who would want to read me anyway
5.My kids don't get a fully engaged mom - so everything from homeschooling to basic life skills and fun are hindered...
6. I don't engage with my extended family as much as I should - I've always felt so small so instead of engaging I pull away...
7.I don't let others know my true self because they may reject me...which scares me more than it should because those that really love me , love me for who I am.


Oh and the list could get so much longer but I'm feeling so incredibly vulnerable that really I don't even know what else to say.  I am a reasonably intelligent woman so I could type solutions to all my problems as any rational life coach could give:
1. Start yourself on a diet and exercise regime
2. Set a goal for homework and stick to it
3. Make sure you have a work schedule and don't deviate
4.Plan at least one time a week to set aside and just write, write, write
5.It's necessary to schedule kids in too - or things don't get done - engage them
6. Just talk to them
7.Be honest and see where it all falls

Yep sound advice and why don't I take it?  Fear, selfishness... you tell me.  Part of me has always been the good girl - doing what I'm told, how I'm told and constantly looking for the pat on the back that I'm doing it right.  But the little rebel in me has always wanted to say - NO - why No they would ask and I would stomp my feet in the hissy fit I never had and say - JUST BECAUSE!!!  Lol - yes this all sounds ridiculous and childish and most likely it is but I'm going to state how phenomenally hard it is to reconcile.

I do see the glimpses and the flashes of the remarkable, once in awhile I'll have a great organized life infusing day or even week, or I'll write something I like, or I'll be proud of an assignment, or that I met a deadline, or had a great mom moment, but mostly I don't.  Mostly I'm phenomenally exhausted.  11 years separated I can't even blame my ex husband anymore can I? ;).

So why am I writing this? - part of me wants to get it off my chest, part of me wants you to pat my back and say there there we'll look after you, part of me wants a white knight to magically appear and heft my thick rump onto his charger and say I will love and take care of you just as you are, part of me wants you to kick me in the ass and say get over yourself, part of me wants to start and discussion and though I hope others are healthier than me a selfish part of me wants to start a discussion and see where we all are, and part of me wants to take a few bottles of wine and pretend it doesn't exist and wallow in it.  Yep - there you go my fragmented parts - oh crap - I even know what courses to go to, what  blogs and books to read, what fanciful healing words to throw out.  But until it integrates into my core its just that - words.

Oh let's not get me wrong - much has shifted in my life, my anger has dissipated, I have taken a stand in things, I am learning things I've always wanted, my house stays tidier than it used to, my kids love me, and though its a constant struggle the basics of life are looked after.  There is however, this war that takes place and this week the woman I just spoke of is losing to the one I started the blog with.
I'm tired, I don't want to do the work to get in shape - and part of me is pissed of that I will only feel accepted if I am in shape, and I feel myself sliding into oblivian wanting to just pretend it will all get better or at least go away.  Sometimes this world is just spinning too damn fast and the real struggles pull you down.  I am not dying, mostly my life is good (we all have stuff), but really I just want to get off.

More often than not I never feel like I fit - it's like my skin isn't right and I landed on the wrong planet.  Depending on which group of acquaintances and friends you fall in to you will pray for me, tell me to pray, go to counselling, work on myself, consult my higher self, tap in to the strengths I have, reach for my inner strength or guide, suck it up and get on with it, or nod and say I know how you feel - all of which will be valid in my or your reality.  But really maybe you have all gone through this, it's damn hard and for a moment, just a slip of a second you think, I can't - I just can't anymore. And thank God maybe for my good girl upbringing or my voracious addictive reading, because there is to much there to give up totally....but I can dream.....

(PS- this was really to start a discussion, I think ...;) )

Do you Believe in Magic?

I think I always have but never voiced it.  It wasn't proper or correct to call anything magic or magical - this was too fanciful and out there.  Things new agers or wiccans spoke of but not little ol me in my Christian upbringing, living small in my closed safe little world.  But I always did - I ate up Lord of the Rings at 14, gobbled all the fairy tales, made up stories in my head and wandered for 40 years in the abyss in between.  But here I am at 42 saying - I believe in magic.

Oh don't get me wrong the words of miracle, and God moves, and the great strength of our will, have all permeated throughout my life and I am not here to dispute or argue or debate anything like this but what I'm hear to talk about is magic....and all things magical.

You see we live on what appears to be a pretty fixed universe where things move along at a pretty slow rate - yes I know about advancement etc. but things don't evolve in a blink of an eye.  In fact our planet is such a paradox that you can see many stages of evolution in one shot of time (though I would argue even the earthly timeline isn't that linear as some 'primitive' tribes in my opinion are more evolved than we are).  But underneath it all if you look closely and peer between the cracks of 'normal' you will begin to see the sparks of magic.

I am writing this as a new sojourner that hasn't been let in or learned how to fully use her new eyes - but if you look really look you'll begin to see the sparkle between the spaces of time.  Things will begin to move at a different rate and your world will begin to rock.  See right now as I'm writing this - my world is rocking and I am having a phenomenally difficult time putting my feet on solid ground because I don't even know where it is anymore.  I am excited, I am scared, I am hopeful, I am doubtful, but I am still trying to move forward.

If you haven't seen the sparkle, or felt the shift, or had time to stop for a brief second everything I am writing will seem like a bunch of  gibberish I must have written while spending too much time with some mushrooms, BUT, if you have allowed your worldly eyes to open to the otherworldly realm or just take a brief glimpse some of what I am talking about will resonate deeply with you.

What I am finding most difficult is the transition - the shift between belief and reality and the comprehension that there may not be anything to change but mere perception.  Almost like getting a new pair of eyeglasses.  The trees I have always walked by are still there but now I hear the whispers from them and I stop for a moment and though I have yet to fully comprehend their language it is there.  The breeze on my shoulder, the mere glimpse of brilliance , the ignored tingle in my spine is beginning the slow recognition of the angels wings that brushed by.  The line between death and life is beginning to blurr and what would seem to be hard, unresolved lives are chapters and characters that have been planted in my life to show me the sign posts.  That the grief of a parting life is no longer that, it is the amazement of what can transpire in a blink of an eye - for this life time is a mere spark in a myriad of explosions and charges that make up the very enormity of the eternal existence on a non linear line of being.
Wow - I do sound like I've been smoking - so stay with me if you can.  But if I have already lost you that's ok we will meet again in a different understanding.

There are those of you though that will read this with a giggle because you my dear explorers have gone before, have lived in the spaces where the sparkle resides.  Have danced with the fairies and communed closer with the essence of all and the voices of nature.  You are saying "look look another awakens and the earth shifts on its access again".  Will I awaken in this lifetime - I hope so.  If you are with me on this journey you will understand the yearning.  And if you are younger than me - GRASP IT tight don't ignore it - fly towards it - become ALL and embrace that magic - time on this line goes much too fast.  I am in wonder and awe and frustration that I can't see more.  My mortal body and it's ingrained way of seeing is having a hard time letting go to what I can't tangibly feel but know with every fiber is there.  It is just within my grasp - I turn and it sparkles away - but
 I am not denying the magic anymore.  Amidst the despair and the wars, and the hate and the atrocities are wayfarers, wanderers, movers , magic makers and magic embracers and I want to see and remember what they remember.


So as my sight and memory improve and I begin to grasp all that is, I know that those who have chosen a life resistant to the magic will reject all I say but the journey is beginning.  I hope I am ready to face the rejection because the embrace will be worth it.  If you are travelling this road  or understand this journey I commend you.  I want to converse with you - I want to share in your sparkle.  I want to know how you embraced your shadow and your light and your Bigness.  I will continue to write my fairytale but I think I'm envisioning a different ending......

Fear - No More !!

 Her name is Harmonia - goddess of harmony and concord.  And I resonated with her picture.  The heart swelling and the need to flow to her throat and speak some love. I want this.  Where is this all stemming from?  Well....

 I read an article today that no longer stirred my anger but fired up my amazement at the disconnect we face on this planet.  I won't go in to it but the gist is that there are things in one belief system that strikes fear in another and this seems to go back and forth.  I am not here to debate theology or religion or non religion I am here simply to comment on my complete and utter amazement of the disconnect in humanity.  We have this ever compelling need to be right - whether it stems from a belief system we hold or an ego we can't let go of - it is there.  There is this desire to bring others to our side, whether because we believe it is for their own good, the good of their soul, or just because we know we must be right .  My mind and spirit are overwhelmed today at how this prevails throughout humanity and history.  Whether we have ever "changed sides", seen the light, extinguished the light, mocked the belief, grown bitter, found enlightenment, become disillusioned by all, or just wallow in complete confusion there is this phenomenal, underlying theme of fear and chaotic scrambling to find our place and be right.

In fact I know just by writing this there will be people in my sphere that will be shocked I am contemplating not standing my ground for something I must believe in.  They may be even more shocked to know that I have moved to a realm of 'believing' things I hold dear and letting go of those that no longer serve me - or they will be fearful for the path I am taking.  And this is what I am talking about - I even understand it because I've been there, but what I'm trying to communicate is that fear has never gotten us far.  I am shocked, amazed, dismayed, almost dizzy from the plethora of posts that don't strive to enhance humanity but really just continue to draw it to the 'dark side' so to speak. (sorry couldn't resist)

Why this need to be right, why this need to protest everything, why this need to be snide, why this need to mock and harass and belittle?   What purpose does it serve?  We talk about bullying constantly - and I mean constantly - there isn't a day I don't see a post about death or hurt by a bully and how we must stop it.  Really - do we want it to stop? Because honestly I don't see it - if we bully each other daily on social media - mostly because it's safe and we think innocuous (not not not) - what kind of example are we setting for our children and future generations? Oh don't get me wrong I really don't have the answer - I'm just flabbergasted by the phenomenal amount of fear mongering and bullying because of it that goes around.

What if just for once we didn't react?  And I mean it - no reaction - just action.  The only thing we should be disagreeing about is the spreading of fear.  Are you a conduit or stop gate for fear?  Do you tell your children to be nice and then rant about something on facebook and post your own fear based articles?  Are you striving to force your agenda?  I don't care if it's from what you believe is right, strong belief, your sense of morality or really just plain fear - please stop it.

I'm not fearful for humanity or I would just be posting the same article - I'm just stunned. I'm stunned at myself for continuing this circle of insanity - I have at least another 4 - 6 decades left and I choose to live it differently.  I don't want to live in a world based on fear, I want to live in a world based on love and my fellow mans goodness and beauty and light.  Oh I'm not naive enough to thing there is only sunshine and roses but I am just naive or hopeful enough to believe things can be shifted.

I challenge you - do it for a week, a day, heck 5 minutes, just do it - don't react - act.  Act without fear !! - which in essence then must be based in love.  If you don't like an article, post one not reacting in fear post one that emphasizes your love and passion for the opposite.  I know it may not be this simple but if we don't strive to make a difference by changing the way we do things nothing will change.  We have reached a level of insanity where we don't even see this underlying theme of world fear.

Let's make a small list of what my children already know to fear just from our loving society:

1. That no matter what belief system they pick someone else will have an argument of fear

2. If they are too fat they will not be accepted - fear

3. If their skin is not clear - not accepted - fear

4. They will not live long anyway - the world is falling apart - fear

5. No matter who they vote for it is wrong, moral, sinful , stupid - fear

6.No matter what career they choose it is either not productive, helpful, money generating, humanitarian, etc. etc. enough - fear

7. If they are too skinny, or in my sons growing up life , not ripped enough, they don't measure up - fear

8. If they read the wrong books they are either stupid, ignorant, atheist, religious, sinful, or immature - so many labels - fear.

AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

And if I am completely, brutally honest, I have contributed largely to this fear.  WOW!!  I don't want to live that kind of life.  I don't want my kids to grow up in the world of have to, must, shouldn't, or else.  I want them to grow up in the world of what if, why not, let's try it, you do it that way - amazing!!!

So call me naive, rant about what will happen to me, mock the silliness or unspirituality or spirituality of it all - but then look, really look at where that is coming from and if there is not an underlying basis of fear somewhere - because if we don't stop feeding our fear it won't, it can't, stop growing!!

So hold me to it, join me, start a revolution and quit reacting out of fear - future humanity will thank you for it.

I WILL STAY ABOVE IT ALL....

So this is just a post to shout to the world and stick my tongue out at misfortune.  I'm done with things not working and me wallowing.  I am still panicking don't get me wrong - but I'm not willing to go down. I think it's important to be truthful and say what you are feeling but then move on - so today in yet another life stress and as usual money stress I choose to rise above it all and say - I can do this!!!!  Im going to meditate, pray, put on a smile, plan as best I can, cross my fingers a little and let mystery unfold in this great messy, crazy thing we call life....