So last week I wrote all about magic and facing that and what I thought it could look like, or at least how I was ready to start the journey. Well...let's just say I am having a hard time this week with the sparkle. I'm not denying anything I've said I'm just about to get real with you about where I'm at.
You see I'm selfish. Had a moment of ah ha today and wallowing in my selfishness I realized I don't really know how to get out. Oh don't get me wrong - I've read all the books but interestingly enough I continue to self sabotage. Which, dear reader, means I think more of myself than you or anyone in my life. Yes that sounds interesting since if you look at my life it is pretty messy and icky and a far cry from a success but herein lies the selfishness. Not for you, not for my children, not for my family, not for society have I been willing to fully get out of my mostly self imposed mess.
I believe I have been self sabotaging all week to the point of making myself sick. I've been walking in a land of migraines and dizziness and fog and I'm pretty sure I know why - I don't really want to get better. Ouch - oh that hurt. You see there is a shitload of responsibility if you get better and you live your life to the fullest and if I'm being fully honest I think I'm scared out of my wits to get there. So I sabotage. What does that look like at this snapshot in time well lets just start making a list
1. I gained probably 20 lbs this winter - giving myself more armour - because I have always thought I was fat and ugly even when I was 13 and 105 lbs - now that I'm 42 and oh so much heavier I am able to continue in that. Plus you aren't seen, your invisible when you aren't outwardly pretty - shallow yes - but true. There's a lot more going on here but I could write a whole other post on that (which I may someday).
2. I have homework I'm behind in - so I get a migraine, or I'm busy or I'm.... you know the drill - what if I'm successful at this stuff...then what...hmm
3. I put off my work assignments - being distracted by anything and everything and then I pull an all nighter and get cranky - hmmm - not sure of the entire story here - but hey if I'm not reliable - well even just for a little bit it proves my point of not being worthy....
4. I don't write - even though I know I should - who would want to read me anyway
5.My kids don't get a fully engaged mom - so everything from homeschooling to basic life skills and fun are hindered...
6. I don't engage with my extended family as much as I should - I've always felt so small so instead of engaging I pull away...
7.I don't let others know my true self because they may reject me...which scares me more than it should because those that really love me , love me for who I am.
Oh and the list could get so much longer but I'm feeling so incredibly vulnerable that really I don't even know what else to say. I am a reasonably intelligent woman so I could type solutions to all my problems as any rational life coach could give:
1. Start yourself on a diet and exercise regime
2. Set a goal for homework and stick to it
3. Make sure you have a work schedule and don't deviate
4.Plan at least one time a week to set aside and just write, write, write
5.It's necessary to schedule kids in too - or things don't get done - engage them
6. Just talk to them
7.Be honest and see where it all falls
Yep sound advice and why don't I take it? Fear, selfishness... you tell me. Part of me has always been the good girl - doing what I'm told, how I'm told and constantly looking for the pat on the back that I'm doing it right. But the little rebel in me has always wanted to say - NO - why No they would ask and I would stomp my feet in the hissy fit I never had and say - JUST BECAUSE!!! Lol - yes this all sounds ridiculous and childish and most likely it is but I'm going to state how phenomenally hard it is to reconcile.
I do see the glimpses and the flashes of the remarkable, once in awhile I'll have a great organized life infusing day or even week, or I'll write something I like, or I'll be proud of an assignment, or that I met a deadline, or had a great mom moment, but mostly I don't. Mostly I'm phenomenally exhausted. 11 years separated I can't even blame my ex husband anymore can I? ;).
So why am I writing this? - part of me wants to get it off my chest, part of me wants you to pat my back and say there there we'll look after you, part of me wants a white knight to magically appear and heft my thick rump onto his charger and say I will love and take care of you just as you are, part of me wants you to kick me in the ass and say get over yourself, part of me wants to start and discussion and though I hope others are healthier than me a selfish part of me wants to start a discussion and see where we all are, and part of me wants to take a few bottles of wine and pretend it doesn't exist and wallow in it. Yep - there you go my fragmented parts - oh crap - I even know what courses to go to, what blogs and books to read, what fanciful healing words to throw out. But until it integrates into my core its just that - words.
Oh let's not get me wrong - much has shifted in my life, my anger has dissipated, I have taken a stand in things, I am learning things I've always wanted, my house stays tidier than it used to, my kids love me, and though its a constant struggle the basics of life are looked after. There is however, this war that takes place and this week the woman I just spoke of is losing to the one I started the blog with.
I'm tired, I don't want to do the work to get in shape - and part of me is pissed of that I will only feel accepted if I am in shape, and I feel myself sliding into oblivian wanting to just pretend it will all get better or at least go away. Sometimes this world is just spinning too damn fast and the real struggles pull you down. I am not dying, mostly my life is good (we all have stuff), but really I just want to get off.
More often than not I never feel like I fit - it's like my skin isn't right and I landed on the wrong planet. Depending on which group of acquaintances and friends you fall in to you will pray for me, tell me to pray, go to counselling, work on myself, consult my higher self, tap in to the strengths I have, reach for my inner strength or guide, suck it up and get on with it, or nod and say I know how you feel - all of which will be valid in my or your reality. But really maybe you have all gone through this, it's damn hard and for a moment, just a slip of a second you think, I can't - I just can't anymore. And thank God maybe for my good girl upbringing or my voracious addictive reading, because there is to much there to give up totally....but I can dream.....
(PS- this was really to start a discussion, I think ...;) )
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