Half a step - is it enough?

If you've had any type of conversation with me lately you know I have this passionate call to community.  And if you didn't know this about me - well that's ok obviously we need just need a visit.  And potentially if you knew me 'before' the shift you are placing me in an old paradigm I no longer fit - and that's ok because we too probably need a visit.  And if this makes no sense at all and you think I've crossed to the 'dark side' - that too is ok and we don't have to visit :)

All that to say I'm having a slump day.  I had great plans for this week. A catch up week - you know the week you 'd get all your paper work done, be ahead of work not behind, clean the house, tidy the yard, paint the deck, school the children properly and lose the extra 50lbs all in 3 or 4 days!! LOL
I don't know if anyone does this like me but I seem to travel a wave of ups and downs.  Not like I used to but oh it's still there.

So this week it feel like I started with two steps forward and one giant step back - is half a step enough?

Where does my beginning comment of community fit in to this?  Well here it is my friend - we lack community in our life.  Don't get me wrong I'm not going to put flowers in my hair, take up community farming and join a commune - but I'm close (truth be told if it wasn't for my kids I just might!)  And I'm not talking about a club, or a church, etc. but real community.  Somewhere that a lost mom can go when she's having a really bad day and someone is there to hold her.  Somewhere a young man can go and say - hey I'm lost - help. Somewhere a grandmother can go and say - hey I still need to be useful - help.  I have talked to so many people about our lack of community.  Where someone couldn't hide years of abuse in the closet because her community would be too close and it would come to light.  Somewhere that my failings as a mother are embraced and we help better each others skills and  aide each others weaknesses.  You see somewhere is a mother who would gladly prepare a little extra dinner while I did craft time with her children for eg - each playing to each others strengths thanking the stars she doesn't have to deal with her weaknesses for a change.  Where the skills we have are put to use and we are not expected to know it all.

Somewhere where I can talk about this burning passion in my heart and that by Wednesday when I feel physically nauseous and just want to hide in a hole after having the best day of exuberance just a week ago, someone is there to hold me up and shake me a little and say you got this.

Somewhere I can question and say - did I mess up - did I make all the wrong decisions with my kids?  Will they be ok?  What can I do?  This is a lonely world if we let it be.  We all struggle and wear masks and break now and again.  But the damn expectations put on us by ourselves, our past, our families, our work, our organizations start to drown us all.  We appear to be doing fine but a little of us dies inside as we feel that broken child come back in and we go to counselling, we pray, we have a drum circle, we do some physical therapy or massage and then we eek out another week.  Somehow I don't think this is the way we are meant to live.  There is a strength in community - a bee against me is no match - a hive - oh ya I'm running away.  I want the strength of the hive, the power of many.

I'm not naive enough to think community doesn't come with limitations and difficulties but I think it would be worth the cost.  Is anyone else tired of going it alone?  Of holding themselves, no propping themselves up.  Of barely getting by.

Please don't get me wrong.  I have grand schemes and great dreams and wonderful visions.  I have a circle of friends and family that love me.  I live in a house and eat every day.  But there is a struggle. I know, I know - I have heard it all "That's life; Leave it to God; Find your higher self; See someone; You're just lonely - get a divorce and start dating; Life is struggle; The rewards on the other side; If you want it bad enough; No one ever accomplished anything without hard work and determination; It's not going to be handed to you on a silver platter...etc. etc. etc."  These are but a few.  But my friends I just want us to consider, just consider and let a little magical glimmer spark - what if 'they' are wrong?  What if it doesn't have to be so hard?  What if we did live in community and continually pulled each other out?  What if life didn't have to be lonely  or filled with struggle?  What if it was magic?

Yes I'm having a contemplative day - a day I feel like I'd rather hide my head in the sand, a day I feel like I have failed at it all - even though I've done enough to know I haven't.  Will I get up and shake this off and struggle forward  - hell ya - would I like it to be less of a struggle and more of a communal paradigm shift where we moved as a wave - you bet!!!
So is half a step enough - of course - but my very essence longs for more!!!