Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this lack of community and I was challenged by a friend to verbalize what I meant by that.  Because when she looks in at my life (she lives far away) she sees a woman who has a fantastic circle of friends, a mom next door who cares for her, great supportive kids, and most of her needs met - so what is it I still yearn for?  So I'm going to try and verbalize my yearning and if it doesn't make sense - well I'm sorry.  As I don't really have a following or do this for a living I'm not going to fix the grammar or hold back in this post  - I'm just going to write.  This is more of a live journal - and if you don't like or agree with it - feel free to ignore.

So....how could I feel lack, when really I'm living the dream life?  I may not have tons of money and there is a definite stress there but I have a great thing going.  I work the hours I want, I'm back in school learning things I love, my kids don't complain much, we don't get up early, my friends will be there whenever I need them and my mom is a constant source of support. So what's my problem?

Maybe I'm just lonely, or selfish or lazy.  Or all the above.  I just want the dream I guess.  I want to wake up in the morning and drink my coffee and walk across to my neighbour who is also my good friend and we will talk about things that matter - how we are feeling off that day or extra joyful or if we need any help.  I will participate in the life of another - we will share our hearts - we won't wait until we're empty.  I hate cooking but I love so many other things - so I will be in charge of a nature walk with the kids and collecting some herbs for the fall while I only have kitchen duty twice a month.  I will have an art room to visit or a place to write my book because someone understands I need to release what is within.  I will absolutely not be in charge of the money but I will contribute to it.  I will be honored for my ideas, I will honor others for those - because that is my skill I have great, fantastic ideas.  I will help the mom I see going downhill because I have been there, before it spirals out of control.  Abuse will be quickly dealt with, speaking your mind will be honored, philosiphizing and reading will be admired. Gifts, all of them will be honored, if you love canning, or numbers, or farming, or lawyering, or doctoring, or whatever, you will be honored and your skill will be welcome within the fold.  Yep it sounds like a commune - but I'm sick and tired of us all having to have the great american dream and even if we are on board with each other we still just eek out a life.

Yes I'm different.  I always have been.  I don't live a normal life.  I am unusual to most.  I refuse to give in to the monster hamster wheel we have created in this life - but oh hell sometimes it's hard.  I want to be happy with the 2.5 kids, the 2 cars, the cubicle, the RRSPs, the retirement plan and my golf swing. But sadly I'm not (and if you are than all the power to you !) I am mocked for speaking my heart - really did you know people don't like you to wear your heart on your sleeve, they really don't - they want you to not be exuberant about life - because it's not perfect - well shit it's never going to be perfect.  I want to twirl as I walk down the street, and tell you, you are lovely and smile at you and grab your hand to my heart and say 'I see you' - lets connect.

Will it take away the hurts and heartaches.  Nope.  Will we still question, yep.  Will we fight - most definitely.  But I want a community - a place I belong. AHHHHH - there it is - there it is - sorry it took me awhile but I got there - I have a longing for belonging!!!  My life may not look radical and mostly I'm quite quiet until you get to know me but my heart and spirit scream - LOVE, LIVE, SEE ME, SPEAK YOUR SOUL, SHOW ME YOUR MESS AND I'LL SHARE MINE - TAKE OFF THE MASKS!!

Did I clarify anything?  Probably not - and hell I've been raising kids on my own for 11 years now - maybe I just need to not be alone?  But it's more than that - if you have a life partner and you still understand this call - you'll know what I mean.  Of course I'd love romance back in my life - but this isn't what I'm talking about.  I want connection and honoring of who we are not who we think we need to become.

So what am I going to do about all this unrest - I don't really know - I read a lot - if I'm honest the escape is what keeps me sane and not crying many days - do I see a shift coming - oh I hope so - I sincerely hope so - but when you are trying to start out and your gift is in the envisioning not so much the practical, it is very very hard.....and so.....I dream, I dream.........