Ok - this blog was created months ago but never posted to - due to pure procrastination and insecurity. So here goes - time for the coaching to begin. I have now hired the life coach finally and I'm going to be extremely candid and write down everything we dialog about. Can I make a commitment to this - the history is not there. I do not commit to much and now is the time to find out why. I have been doing some research in to enneagram personality etc. and I am getting some insight in to who I am - but not so much what to do about it. I don't know that I need to write my story here at this moment. For the purpose of this exercise I don't think it matters what story brought me here - at this point in my life (age almost 41) I think it matters what I'm going to do with it.
So let's start.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My life coach has advised several things that I instantly wanted to reject - not a good sign - so then I got brought back to my first assignment. List everything that is wrong with my life and why I think it needs to change - and be brutally honest, right now it doesn't matter if what I perceive is true just do it and we will talk about the next step after. So here is what I have written down.
I am overweight. - I need this to change so I can feel better about myself.
I can't commit to getting in shape. I will look better.
I am lazy. I may get something done.
I am broke. I can't stand never having enough.
I can't make good decisions on my own. I never seem to make anything work - look I'm a single mother of 2 with no money, living with her mom.
I have scattered thoughts. Focusing has become so difficult - I can't seem to get things together.
I am messy. There is absolutely no room for a messy person - if I could change this I would feel better about myself.
I don't organize well. I need to change this because not finding things is frustrating.
I am not a very good friend. I don't seem to be able to have a really close friendship - I have always deeply desired a close bosom friend whom I can just pick the phone up anytime and sigh - I think I'm getting closer but I can't get there - after 40 years I must assume its me and something I'm holding back - I want this to change so I can have a close connection
I don't look after things well. - I need to know I do things well for my peace
I am wishy washy. I think I need to change this for stability for me and my kids
I can't make my mind up about anything. I need to change this so I can finally stick to something.
I don't know how to look after my kids properly. I look at them and think -crap - I need to change this so they have a chance at a great future.
I let people take over. I need to change this so I can feel in control.
I can't find clarity. I need to change this so my mind can quit spinning and I can quit spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing.
I don't even have a solid faith in anything anymore. I need something to stand on.
I don't have a relationship. I want to change this so I don't grow old alone
No one would ever want me in a relationship. I need to change this for the same above reason - and it goes back to image et.
I am too angry. This is obvious to me - anger is toxic.
I am a terrible teacher - I lose focus and my patience - I need to change this for my children
I hold no purpose in the universe. I need to change this so I can feel some self worth
I am useless and have not marketable skill I need to change this so I can make money
I am too old to change I need to change this thought sooo badly - or nothing will change
I am too old to find good work - I don't know if I can change this - fountain of youth maybe
I will never be able to change - 40 years have shown that - for eg I have been battling with my weight for 27 years now and look where that has gotten me - same as above.
I am scared to tell many people how I really think - I don't know how to meld who I was with who I am - but if I don't change this I feel like I am still the scared little girl and I need her to leave
Ok that's it - first exercise - it made me feel mad if I am telling the truth and even more hopeless - so let's hope it takes me somewhere. I actually look at my list and think - holy sh...., that is way to daunting. Whiny baby who can't do anything with her life. But I have read enough to know there must be hope - I have watched enough Oprah :), read enough spiritual books to have the core message that it's all about love. I can speak the talk to others but I know that I know if I don't embrace it I'm going to shrivel up..... so let's see if this helps even just a little.... because I'm tired....
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