I am lazy. Well seeing as I haven't posted in days - this one may be entirely true. Though possibly it's just my dialog. I am not committed may be a better statement. It is so much easier to stay in old habits. Mostly I am finding it difficult to just stick with anything. My mind is scattered and it's much easier to just not think. I have these grand ideas about life but I never seem to be able to follow through with them.
What could I do to change this? Hmmm... maybe instead of trying to change everything I should just pick one thing and totally commit to it and see what would happen. Could I pick something really important to me and see what would happen after 40 days? Ok I have to actually think about this ... see what I mean... and decide what it is I want to commit to.
Monday 24 March 2014
Thursday 20 March 2014
I CAN'T COMMIT
Ok next statement - I can't commit to getting in shape. And I will look better if I do. So already I know the statement is absolutely a falsehood. It shouldn't read I can't it should read I won't. The problem here is why won't I ? What's the pay off? If the truth is I won't commit I want to understand why. Could it simply be I love the taste of food, could it be I'm too lazy, could it be some deeper underlying issue? I really don't seem to know and I want an answer. And then sometimes it totally pisses me of that it is necessary to look better. If I was the last person alive or lived on a deserted island would I give a fig about that ....hmmm. So maybe the real underlying issue is that I think I need to look better. Interestingly enough my coaching is just to journal through these and then we'll discuss more. So I'll continue to dialog with myself.
But its not just me. If I am being 100% truthful - I do think those who are in shape look better - whatever better is - but why? And why does it matter? Am I overthinking this. I don't think so. Body image so dominates our culture I think it allows a mental state of paralyses so we can't move in - I honestly think what I truly desire more is confidence in who I am - and I don't believe I can get there until I'm thin or at least that's what my ego believes So once again - I should commit but .....\I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM GORGEOUS. I AM PRETTY.
Oh I need some help.....I can't believe......
But its not just me. If I am being 100% truthful - I do think those who are in shape look better - whatever better is - but why? And why does it matter? Am I overthinking this. I don't think so. Body image so dominates our culture I think it allows a mental state of paralyses so we can't move in - I honestly think what I truly desire more is confidence in who I am - and I don't believe I can get there until I'm thin or at least that's what my ego believes So once again - I should commit but .....\I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM GORGEOUS. I AM PRETTY.
Oh I need some help.....I can't believe......
Tuesday 18 March 2014
I AM OVERWEIGHT
Ok - exercise #2 - work through each statement every day and ask the questions - is this true - really true - how can I choose to change it or use it or embrace it. Dialog with your thought
So thought #1 was - I am overweight and I need this to change so I can feel better about myself.
Well it is true that I'm overweight. Well according to this world standards anyways. I have been reflecting on what we see as beautiful. I am not talking health or exercise or diet here. I am just talking shape - so it could be argued that if you ate and exercised properly you would have your proper weight but what I'm saying is why can't I look in the mirror and see beautiful? Who decided this wasn't beautiful. And if I am to live my life in the now, awake, alive in each moment - how can I do that if I never feel good enough?
So I have a few options here. I could commit to a regime of healthy eating and exercising and get myself to where I need to be. Then I could see how this makes me feel. Or I could work on the inner stuff and hope it gets me some peace and then leads to my ideal body weight. Can I feel better about myself at the size I am - and when do I feel the most insecure - when I am out in the public eye, and why because I guess it matters what others think and it totally pisses me off that I need validation from anyone.
I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM GORGEOUS. I AM SEXY. I AM DESIRABLE. I AM AMAZING. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM PRETTY. \
Hmm but do I believe it. I think I need some time to contemplate.
So thought #1 was - I am overweight and I need this to change so I can feel better about myself.
Well it is true that I'm overweight. Well according to this world standards anyways. I have been reflecting on what we see as beautiful. I am not talking health or exercise or diet here. I am just talking shape - so it could be argued that if you ate and exercised properly you would have your proper weight but what I'm saying is why can't I look in the mirror and see beautiful? Who decided this wasn't beautiful. And if I am to live my life in the now, awake, alive in each moment - how can I do that if I never feel good enough?
So I have a few options here. I could commit to a regime of healthy eating and exercising and get myself to where I need to be. Then I could see how this makes me feel. Or I could work on the inner stuff and hope it gets me some peace and then leads to my ideal body weight. Can I feel better about myself at the size I am - and when do I feel the most insecure - when I am out in the public eye, and why because I guess it matters what others think and it totally pisses me off that I need validation from anyone.
I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM GORGEOUS. I AM SEXY. I AM DESIRABLE. I AM AMAZING. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM PRETTY. \
Hmm but do I believe it. I think I need some time to contemplate.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ok - this blog was created months ago but never posted to - due to pure procrastination and insecurity. So here goes - time for the coaching to begin. I have now hired the life coach finally and I'm going to be extremely candid and write down everything we dialog about. Can I make a commitment to this - the history is not there. I do not commit to much and now is the time to find out why. I have been doing some research in to enneagram personality etc. and I am getting some insight in to who I am - but not so much what to do about it. I don't know that I need to write my story here at this moment. For the purpose of this exercise I don't think it matters what story brought me here - at this point in my life (age almost 41) I think it matters what I'm going to do with it.
So let's start.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My life coach has advised several things that I instantly wanted to reject - not a good sign - so then I got brought back to my first assignment. List everything that is wrong with my life and why I think it needs to change - and be brutally honest, right now it doesn't matter if what I perceive is true just do it and we will talk about the next step after. So here is what I have written down.
I am overweight. - I need this to change so I can feel better about myself.
I can't commit to getting in shape. I will look better.
I am lazy. I may get something done.
I am broke. I can't stand never having enough.
I can't make good decisions on my own. I never seem to make anything work - look I'm a single mother of 2 with no money, living with her mom.
I have scattered thoughts. Focusing has become so difficult - I can't seem to get things together.
I am messy. There is absolutely no room for a messy person - if I could change this I would feel better about myself.
I don't organize well. I need to change this because not finding things is frustrating.
I am not a very good friend. I don't seem to be able to have a really close friendship - I have always deeply desired a close bosom friend whom I can just pick the phone up anytime and sigh - I think I'm getting closer but I can't get there - after 40 years I must assume its me and something I'm holding back - I want this to change so I can have a close connection
I don't look after things well. - I need to know I do things well for my peace
I am wishy washy. I think I need to change this for stability for me and my kids
I can't make my mind up about anything. I need to change this so I can finally stick to something.
I don't know how to look after my kids properly. I look at them and think -crap - I need to change this so they have a chance at a great future.
I let people take over. I need to change this so I can feel in control.
I can't find clarity. I need to change this so my mind can quit spinning and I can quit spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing.
I don't even have a solid faith in anything anymore. I need something to stand on.
I don't have a relationship. I want to change this so I don't grow old alone
No one would ever want me in a relationship. I need to change this for the same above reason - and it goes back to image et.
I am too angry. This is obvious to me - anger is toxic.
I am a terrible teacher - I lose focus and my patience - I need to change this for my children
I hold no purpose in the universe. I need to change this so I can feel some self worth
I am useless and have not marketable skill I need to change this so I can make money
I am too old to change I need to change this thought sooo badly - or nothing will change
I am too old to find good work - I don't know if I can change this - fountain of youth maybe
I will never be able to change - 40 years have shown that - for eg I have been battling with my weight for 27 years now and look where that has gotten me - same as above.
I am scared to tell many people how I really think - I don't know how to meld who I was with who I am - but if I don't change this I feel like I am still the scared little girl and I need her to leave
Ok that's it - first exercise - it made me feel mad if I am telling the truth and even more hopeless - so let's hope it takes me somewhere. I actually look at my list and think - holy sh...., that is way to daunting. Whiny baby who can't do anything with her life. But I have read enough to know there must be hope - I have watched enough Oprah :), read enough spiritual books to have the core message that it's all about love. I can speak the talk to others but I know that I know if I don't embrace it I'm going to shrivel up..... so let's see if this helps even just a little.... because I'm tired....
So let's start.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My life coach has advised several things that I instantly wanted to reject - not a good sign - so then I got brought back to my first assignment. List everything that is wrong with my life and why I think it needs to change - and be brutally honest, right now it doesn't matter if what I perceive is true just do it and we will talk about the next step after. So here is what I have written down.
I am overweight. - I need this to change so I can feel better about myself.
I can't commit to getting in shape. I will look better.
I am lazy. I may get something done.
I am broke. I can't stand never having enough.
I can't make good decisions on my own. I never seem to make anything work - look I'm a single mother of 2 with no money, living with her mom.
I have scattered thoughts. Focusing has become so difficult - I can't seem to get things together.
I am messy. There is absolutely no room for a messy person - if I could change this I would feel better about myself.
I don't organize well. I need to change this because not finding things is frustrating.
I am not a very good friend. I don't seem to be able to have a really close friendship - I have always deeply desired a close bosom friend whom I can just pick the phone up anytime and sigh - I think I'm getting closer but I can't get there - after 40 years I must assume its me and something I'm holding back - I want this to change so I can have a close connection
I don't look after things well. - I need to know I do things well for my peace
I am wishy washy. I think I need to change this for stability for me and my kids
I can't make my mind up about anything. I need to change this so I can finally stick to something.
I don't know how to look after my kids properly. I look at them and think -crap - I need to change this so they have a chance at a great future.
I let people take over. I need to change this so I can feel in control.
I can't find clarity. I need to change this so my mind can quit spinning and I can quit spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing.
I don't even have a solid faith in anything anymore. I need something to stand on.
I don't have a relationship. I want to change this so I don't grow old alone
No one would ever want me in a relationship. I need to change this for the same above reason - and it goes back to image et.
I am too angry. This is obvious to me - anger is toxic.
I am a terrible teacher - I lose focus and my patience - I need to change this for my children
I hold no purpose in the universe. I need to change this so I can feel some self worth
I am useless and have not marketable skill I need to change this so I can make money
I am too old to change I need to change this thought sooo badly - or nothing will change
I am too old to find good work - I don't know if I can change this - fountain of youth maybe
I will never be able to change - 40 years have shown that - for eg I have been battling with my weight for 27 years now and look where that has gotten me - same as above.
I am scared to tell many people how I really think - I don't know how to meld who I was with who I am - but if I don't change this I feel like I am still the scared little girl and I need her to leave
Ok that's it - first exercise - it made me feel mad if I am telling the truth and even more hopeless - so let's hope it takes me somewhere. I actually look at my list and think - holy sh...., that is way to daunting. Whiny baby who can't do anything with her life. But I have read enough to know there must be hope - I have watched enough Oprah :), read enough spiritual books to have the core message that it's all about love. I can speak the talk to others but I know that I know if I don't embrace it I'm going to shrivel up..... so let's see if this helps even just a little.... because I'm tired....
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