A Life Coach Dialogue: Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this la...

A Life Coach Dialogue:
Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this la...: Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this lack of community and I was challenged by a friend to verbalize what I meant by that.  B...

Ok so yesterday I posted about how I feel this lack of community and I was challenged by a friend to verbalize what I meant by that.  Because when she looks in at my life (she lives far away) she sees a woman who has a fantastic circle of friends, a mom next door who cares for her, great supportive kids, and most of her needs met - so what is it I still yearn for?  So I'm going to try and verbalize my yearning and if it doesn't make sense - well I'm sorry.  As I don't really have a following or do this for a living I'm not going to fix the grammar or hold back in this post  - I'm just going to write.  This is more of a live journal - and if you don't like or agree with it - feel free to ignore.

So....how could I feel lack, when really I'm living the dream life?  I may not have tons of money and there is a definite stress there but I have a great thing going.  I work the hours I want, I'm back in school learning things I love, my kids don't complain much, we don't get up early, my friends will be there whenever I need them and my mom is a constant source of support. So what's my problem?

Maybe I'm just lonely, or selfish or lazy.  Or all the above.  I just want the dream I guess.  I want to wake up in the morning and drink my coffee and walk across to my neighbour who is also my good friend and we will talk about things that matter - how we are feeling off that day or extra joyful or if we need any help.  I will participate in the life of another - we will share our hearts - we won't wait until we're empty.  I hate cooking but I love so many other things - so I will be in charge of a nature walk with the kids and collecting some herbs for the fall while I only have kitchen duty twice a month.  I will have an art room to visit or a place to write my book because someone understands I need to release what is within.  I will absolutely not be in charge of the money but I will contribute to it.  I will be honored for my ideas, I will honor others for those - because that is my skill I have great, fantastic ideas.  I will help the mom I see going downhill because I have been there, before it spirals out of control.  Abuse will be quickly dealt with, speaking your mind will be honored, philosiphizing and reading will be admired. Gifts, all of them will be honored, if you love canning, or numbers, or farming, or lawyering, or doctoring, or whatever, you will be honored and your skill will be welcome within the fold.  Yep it sounds like a commune - but I'm sick and tired of us all having to have the great american dream and even if we are on board with each other we still just eek out a life.

Yes I'm different.  I always have been.  I don't live a normal life.  I am unusual to most.  I refuse to give in to the monster hamster wheel we have created in this life - but oh hell sometimes it's hard.  I want to be happy with the 2.5 kids, the 2 cars, the cubicle, the RRSPs, the retirement plan and my golf swing. But sadly I'm not (and if you are than all the power to you !) I am mocked for speaking my heart - really did you know people don't like you to wear your heart on your sleeve, they really don't - they want you to not be exuberant about life - because it's not perfect - well shit it's never going to be perfect.  I want to twirl as I walk down the street, and tell you, you are lovely and smile at you and grab your hand to my heart and say 'I see you' - lets connect.

Will it take away the hurts and heartaches.  Nope.  Will we still question, yep.  Will we fight - most definitely.  But I want a community - a place I belong. AHHHHH - there it is - there it is - sorry it took me awhile but I got there - I have a longing for belonging!!!  My life may not look radical and mostly I'm quite quiet until you get to know me but my heart and spirit scream - LOVE, LIVE, SEE ME, SPEAK YOUR SOUL, SHOW ME YOUR MESS AND I'LL SHARE MINE - TAKE OFF THE MASKS!!

Did I clarify anything?  Probably not - and hell I've been raising kids on my own for 11 years now - maybe I just need to not be alone?  But it's more than that - if you have a life partner and you still understand this call - you'll know what I mean.  Of course I'd love romance back in my life - but this isn't what I'm talking about.  I want connection and honoring of who we are not who we think we need to become.

So what am I going to do about all this unrest - I don't really know - I read a lot - if I'm honest the escape is what keeps me sane and not crying many days - do I see a shift coming - oh I hope so - I sincerely hope so - but when you are trying to start out and your gift is in the envisioning not so much the practical, it is very very hard.....and so.....I dream, I dream.........

Half a step - is it enough?

If you've had any type of conversation with me lately you know I have this passionate call to community.  And if you didn't know this about me - well that's ok obviously we need just need a visit.  And potentially if you knew me 'before' the shift you are placing me in an old paradigm I no longer fit - and that's ok because we too probably need a visit.  And if this makes no sense at all and you think I've crossed to the 'dark side' - that too is ok and we don't have to visit :)

All that to say I'm having a slump day.  I had great plans for this week. A catch up week - you know the week you 'd get all your paper work done, be ahead of work not behind, clean the house, tidy the yard, paint the deck, school the children properly and lose the extra 50lbs all in 3 or 4 days!! LOL
I don't know if anyone does this like me but I seem to travel a wave of ups and downs.  Not like I used to but oh it's still there.

So this week it feel like I started with two steps forward and one giant step back - is half a step enough?

Where does my beginning comment of community fit in to this?  Well here it is my friend - we lack community in our life.  Don't get me wrong I'm not going to put flowers in my hair, take up community farming and join a commune - but I'm close (truth be told if it wasn't for my kids I just might!)  And I'm not talking about a club, or a church, etc. but real community.  Somewhere that a lost mom can go when she's having a really bad day and someone is there to hold her.  Somewhere a young man can go and say - hey I'm lost - help. Somewhere a grandmother can go and say - hey I still need to be useful - help.  I have talked to so many people about our lack of community.  Where someone couldn't hide years of abuse in the closet because her community would be too close and it would come to light.  Somewhere that my failings as a mother are embraced and we help better each others skills and  aide each others weaknesses.  You see somewhere is a mother who would gladly prepare a little extra dinner while I did craft time with her children for eg - each playing to each others strengths thanking the stars she doesn't have to deal with her weaknesses for a change.  Where the skills we have are put to use and we are not expected to know it all.

Somewhere where I can talk about this burning passion in my heart and that by Wednesday when I feel physically nauseous and just want to hide in a hole after having the best day of exuberance just a week ago, someone is there to hold me up and shake me a little and say you got this.

Somewhere I can question and say - did I mess up - did I make all the wrong decisions with my kids?  Will they be ok?  What can I do?  This is a lonely world if we let it be.  We all struggle and wear masks and break now and again.  But the damn expectations put on us by ourselves, our past, our families, our work, our organizations start to drown us all.  We appear to be doing fine but a little of us dies inside as we feel that broken child come back in and we go to counselling, we pray, we have a drum circle, we do some physical therapy or massage and then we eek out another week.  Somehow I don't think this is the way we are meant to live.  There is a strength in community - a bee against me is no match - a hive - oh ya I'm running away.  I want the strength of the hive, the power of many.

I'm not naive enough to think community doesn't come with limitations and difficulties but I think it would be worth the cost.  Is anyone else tired of going it alone?  Of holding themselves, no propping themselves up.  Of barely getting by.

Please don't get me wrong.  I have grand schemes and great dreams and wonderful visions.  I have a circle of friends and family that love me.  I live in a house and eat every day.  But there is a struggle. I know, I know - I have heard it all "That's life; Leave it to God; Find your higher self; See someone; You're just lonely - get a divorce and start dating; Life is struggle; The rewards on the other side; If you want it bad enough; No one ever accomplished anything without hard work and determination; It's not going to be handed to you on a silver platter...etc. etc. etc."  These are but a few.  But my friends I just want us to consider, just consider and let a little magical glimmer spark - what if 'they' are wrong?  What if it doesn't have to be so hard?  What if we did live in community and continually pulled each other out?  What if life didn't have to be lonely  or filled with struggle?  What if it was magic?

Yes I'm having a contemplative day - a day I feel like I'd rather hide my head in the sand, a day I feel like I have failed at it all - even though I've done enough to know I haven't.  Will I get up and shake this off and struggle forward  - hell ya - would I like it to be less of a struggle and more of a communal paradigm shift where we moved as a wave - you bet!!!
So is half a step enough - of course - but my very essence longs for more!!!