Can We Get Real - Just For a Moment? - Facing My Inner Demons

So last week I wrote all about magic and facing that and what I thought it could look like, or at least how I was ready to start the journey.  Well...let's just say I am having a hard time this week with the sparkle.  I'm not denying anything I've said I'm just about to get real with you about where I'm at.

You see I'm selfish.  Had a moment of ah ha today and wallowing in my selfishness I realized I don't really know how to get out.  Oh don't get me wrong - I've read all the books but interestingly enough I continue to self sabotage.  Which, dear reader, means I think more of myself than you or anyone in my life.  Yes that sounds interesting since if you look at my life it is pretty messy and icky and a far cry from a success but herein lies the selfishness.  Not for you, not for my children, not for my family, not for society have I been willing to fully get out of my mostly self imposed mess.

I believe I have been self sabotaging all week to the point of making myself sick.  I've been walking in a land of migraines and dizziness and fog and I'm pretty sure I know why - I don't really want to get better.  Ouch - oh that hurt.  You see there is a shitload of responsibility if you get better and you live your life to the fullest and if I'm being fully honest I think I'm scared out of my wits to get there.  So I sabotage.  What does that look like at this snapshot in time well lets just start making a list

1. I gained probably 20 lbs this winter - giving myself more armour - because I have always thought I was fat and ugly even when I was 13 and 105 lbs - now that I'm 42 and oh so much  heavier I am able to continue in that.  Plus you aren't seen, your invisible when you aren't outwardly pretty - shallow yes - but true.  There's a lot more going on here but I could write a whole other post on that (which I may someday).
2. I have homework I'm behind in - so I get a migraine, or I'm busy or I'm.... you know the drill - what if I'm successful at this stuff...then what...hmm
3. I put off my work assignments - being distracted by anything and everything and then I pull an all nighter and get cranky - hmmm - not sure of the entire story here - but hey if I'm not reliable - well even just for a little bit it proves my point of not being worthy....
4. I don't write - even though I know I should - who would want to read me anyway
5.My kids don't get a fully engaged mom - so everything from homeschooling to basic life skills and fun are hindered...
6. I don't engage with my extended family as much as I should - I've always felt so small so instead of engaging I pull away...
7.I don't let others know my true self because they may reject me...which scares me more than it should because those that really love me , love me for who I am.


Oh and the list could get so much longer but I'm feeling so incredibly vulnerable that really I don't even know what else to say.  I am a reasonably intelligent woman so I could type solutions to all my problems as any rational life coach could give:
1. Start yourself on a diet and exercise regime
2. Set a goal for homework and stick to it
3. Make sure you have a work schedule and don't deviate
4.Plan at least one time a week to set aside and just write, write, write
5.It's necessary to schedule kids in too - or things don't get done - engage them
6. Just talk to them
7.Be honest and see where it all falls

Yep sound advice and why don't I take it?  Fear, selfishness... you tell me.  Part of me has always been the good girl - doing what I'm told, how I'm told and constantly looking for the pat on the back that I'm doing it right.  But the little rebel in me has always wanted to say - NO - why No they would ask and I would stomp my feet in the hissy fit I never had and say - JUST BECAUSE!!!  Lol - yes this all sounds ridiculous and childish and most likely it is but I'm going to state how phenomenally hard it is to reconcile.

I do see the glimpses and the flashes of the remarkable, once in awhile I'll have a great organized life infusing day or even week, or I'll write something I like, or I'll be proud of an assignment, or that I met a deadline, or had a great mom moment, but mostly I don't.  Mostly I'm phenomenally exhausted.  11 years separated I can't even blame my ex husband anymore can I? ;).

So why am I writing this? - part of me wants to get it off my chest, part of me wants you to pat my back and say there there we'll look after you, part of me wants a white knight to magically appear and heft my thick rump onto his charger and say I will love and take care of you just as you are, part of me wants you to kick me in the ass and say get over yourself, part of me wants to start and discussion and though I hope others are healthier than me a selfish part of me wants to start a discussion and see where we all are, and part of me wants to take a few bottles of wine and pretend it doesn't exist and wallow in it.  Yep - there you go my fragmented parts - oh crap - I even know what courses to go to, what  blogs and books to read, what fanciful healing words to throw out.  But until it integrates into my core its just that - words.

Oh let's not get me wrong - much has shifted in my life, my anger has dissipated, I have taken a stand in things, I am learning things I've always wanted, my house stays tidier than it used to, my kids love me, and though its a constant struggle the basics of life are looked after.  There is however, this war that takes place and this week the woman I just spoke of is losing to the one I started the blog with.
I'm tired, I don't want to do the work to get in shape - and part of me is pissed of that I will only feel accepted if I am in shape, and I feel myself sliding into oblivian wanting to just pretend it will all get better or at least go away.  Sometimes this world is just spinning too damn fast and the real struggles pull you down.  I am not dying, mostly my life is good (we all have stuff), but really I just want to get off.

More often than not I never feel like I fit - it's like my skin isn't right and I landed on the wrong planet.  Depending on which group of acquaintances and friends you fall in to you will pray for me, tell me to pray, go to counselling, work on myself, consult my higher self, tap in to the strengths I have, reach for my inner strength or guide, suck it up and get on with it, or nod and say I know how you feel - all of which will be valid in my or your reality.  But really maybe you have all gone through this, it's damn hard and for a moment, just a slip of a second you think, I can't - I just can't anymore. And thank God maybe for my good girl upbringing or my voracious addictive reading, because there is to much there to give up totally....but I can dream.....

(PS- this was really to start a discussion, I think ...;) )

Do you Believe in Magic?

I think I always have but never voiced it.  It wasn't proper or correct to call anything magic or magical - this was too fanciful and out there.  Things new agers or wiccans spoke of but not little ol me in my Christian upbringing, living small in my closed safe little world.  But I always did - I ate up Lord of the Rings at 14, gobbled all the fairy tales, made up stories in my head and wandered for 40 years in the abyss in between.  But here I am at 42 saying - I believe in magic.

Oh don't get me wrong the words of miracle, and God moves, and the great strength of our will, have all permeated throughout my life and I am not here to dispute or argue or debate anything like this but what I'm hear to talk about is magic....and all things magical.

You see we live on what appears to be a pretty fixed universe where things move along at a pretty slow rate - yes I know about advancement etc. but things don't evolve in a blink of an eye.  In fact our planet is such a paradox that you can see many stages of evolution in one shot of time (though I would argue even the earthly timeline isn't that linear as some 'primitive' tribes in my opinion are more evolved than we are).  But underneath it all if you look closely and peer between the cracks of 'normal' you will begin to see the sparks of magic.

I am writing this as a new sojourner that hasn't been let in or learned how to fully use her new eyes - but if you look really look you'll begin to see the sparkle between the spaces of time.  Things will begin to move at a different rate and your world will begin to rock.  See right now as I'm writing this - my world is rocking and I am having a phenomenally difficult time putting my feet on solid ground because I don't even know where it is anymore.  I am excited, I am scared, I am hopeful, I am doubtful, but I am still trying to move forward.

If you haven't seen the sparkle, or felt the shift, or had time to stop for a brief second everything I am writing will seem like a bunch of  gibberish I must have written while spending too much time with some mushrooms, BUT, if you have allowed your worldly eyes to open to the otherworldly realm or just take a brief glimpse some of what I am talking about will resonate deeply with you.

What I am finding most difficult is the transition - the shift between belief and reality and the comprehension that there may not be anything to change but mere perception.  Almost like getting a new pair of eyeglasses.  The trees I have always walked by are still there but now I hear the whispers from them and I stop for a moment and though I have yet to fully comprehend their language it is there.  The breeze on my shoulder, the mere glimpse of brilliance , the ignored tingle in my spine is beginning the slow recognition of the angels wings that brushed by.  The line between death and life is beginning to blurr and what would seem to be hard, unresolved lives are chapters and characters that have been planted in my life to show me the sign posts.  That the grief of a parting life is no longer that, it is the amazement of what can transpire in a blink of an eye - for this life time is a mere spark in a myriad of explosions and charges that make up the very enormity of the eternal existence on a non linear line of being.
Wow - I do sound like I've been smoking - so stay with me if you can.  But if I have already lost you that's ok we will meet again in a different understanding.

There are those of you though that will read this with a giggle because you my dear explorers have gone before, have lived in the spaces where the sparkle resides.  Have danced with the fairies and communed closer with the essence of all and the voices of nature.  You are saying "look look another awakens and the earth shifts on its access again".  Will I awaken in this lifetime - I hope so.  If you are with me on this journey you will understand the yearning.  And if you are younger than me - GRASP IT tight don't ignore it - fly towards it - become ALL and embrace that magic - time on this line goes much too fast.  I am in wonder and awe and frustration that I can't see more.  My mortal body and it's ingrained way of seeing is having a hard time letting go to what I can't tangibly feel but know with every fiber is there.  It is just within my grasp - I turn and it sparkles away - but
 I am not denying the magic anymore.  Amidst the despair and the wars, and the hate and the atrocities are wayfarers, wanderers, movers , magic makers and magic embracers and I want to see and remember what they remember.


So as my sight and memory improve and I begin to grasp all that is, I know that those who have chosen a life resistant to the magic will reject all I say but the journey is beginning.  I hope I am ready to face the rejection because the embrace will be worth it.  If you are travelling this road  or understand this journey I commend you.  I want to converse with you - I want to share in your sparkle.  I want to know how you embraced your shadow and your light and your Bigness.  I will continue to write my fairytale but I think I'm envisioning a different ending......