Where are the elders?

So I have actually come through a weekend of hell that I didn't even realize.  I am fighting with myself - a battle of wills and I realize who do I have to talk to about this?  Oh right my life coach - so here goes.  If you watched my weekend from the outside you would see that really it just looked lazy. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to hunker down and get work done and now as usual I'm forced to work madly with a deadline looming and things that are left too late.  My children will suffer for this and I will try not to be angry and stressed.  Who's fault is it? - Mine.  However, this life pattern is so hard to break - for awhile I will go along and be fine and then it grinds to a halt like this weekend.  I'm smart enough now not to lie to myself - I had plenty of time to get projects done this weekend but instead I escaped and read books and didn't do what needed to be done and now I'm in panic mode.  Look I'm even procrastinating to a certain extent by writing this - ridiculous. So I'm going to get coached about going in to flight mode.  My work that I get paid for will get done on time - but other stuff with fall to the way side like childrens' school, my homework, spiritual work, exercise.  So why do I do this to myself?  That's what I'm wondering.

I titled this where are the elders because I feel this lack in our society.  Don't get me wrong I have  a great mother I can go to and talk with but she is facing enough of her own stress (some caused by me and I need to elleviate that) and I don't want to add more.  So I feel this lack of wisdom in my surroundings.  We have lost a sense of guidance in our culture - oh I can get a book out, take a course, talk to a friend, pay for therapy but there is no built in cultural wisdom to fall back on.  Who can I run to and say -why, why do I flee from life?  Why do I doubt myself all the time?  Why do I constantly let myself fall so I prove  my unworthiness?  You see I can come up with the answers to that in my head because I have taken the courses and done some of the work, but I want to sit in a circle with the wise ones where they look in my eyes and don't criticize my lack of worthiness but bolster the confidence I need.  Not by patting me on the shoulder and condoning my insecurities but telling me stories, looking me in the eyes, bringing me in to the fold, pushing me in to the dark nights of the soul but being there on the other side.   They would tell me you are not crazy dear sister, no on has ever explained your gift to you have they?  You do not have to be like the others but you do need to fight for your gift?  You must grow up little one for you are no longer a child you soon will take your place in this circle and you must have the  breathe of assurance in yourself to do so?
These are the words I long to hear.  Where is the circle my mother didn't get to enter, my  grandmother?  So I struggle and howl at the moon and search my heart for the wisdom that I know the ancestors of my family have place it there, the spirit of wisdom and love is there to find from God, Great Spirit, the Universe whatever you may call it and I know this.  But I long, I long for the counsel, the wisdom, and the warm embrace of the cirlce of elders.....